7 Reasons I Don’t Want to Hold Your Baby but “Thanks”

11 Times I Used Misinformation to Get Out of a Question From My Son

5 Speaking of Which Facts About How the Titanic Didn’t Actually Sink and is Afloat in the Pacific and Called Lego Island

15 Ways I’m Not Cherishing Every Moment

123 Times I Definitely Did NOT Count to Ten First

35 Things I’ve Bought That Apparently Were More Important Than Saving For My Kids’ College Education Including a Rainbow Striped Track Jacket and Ten Bags of Cadbury Mini Eggs and Shut Up

5 Lies I Will Tell My Daughter About That One Time I Hitchhiked

1 Starting With It Was Just One Time Don’t Worry About It Go Do Your Homework

15 Anatomically Adventurous Things You Can Do With Your “Who Takes Care of Your Kids While You Work” Accusa-question

13 Marginally Convincing Ways I’ve Pretended to Not See Moms I Know Then Act Surprised When They Come Up To Me at That Thing We’re Both At

5 Horrible Things I’ve Said About Our Neighbor’s Kid

3 Quasi-valid Reasons She Deserved It

11 Shocking Areas of Our House Our Cat Has Peed On

3 Veterinarian Appointments That Left Me Disappointed That The News Wasn’t Worse

5 Things I Hadn’t Considered About When That Cat’s Gone We’ll Just Have to Get Another One and At Least We Know What We’re Getting With This Useless Bag of Fur

13 Popular Passive Aggressive Conversation Topics That Will Be Like Pouring Gasoline on a Fire at the Next Moms’ Night Out

3 Dark Paths I Hope Your Kid Dabbles In So As To Counter Your Absolute Expectations That They are a Humanitarian-Beyoncé-Steve Jobs-Unicorn On Training Wheels

105 SO GOOD Comebacks I Had Way After the Fact God Damn It

25 Subpar Lies I’ve Told Related to My Kids’ Flossing, Piano Practice, and/or My Average Monthly Alcohol Intake

13 Different Ways I’m Screwing Up My Kids But Tell Myself That It’s Good for Them, Free Range, Grit, Buzzwords, Etc.

101 Reasons I Consider This List Math

Illustration by Allison Ross